Everything in service of a humanizing impulse February 18, 2009

This morning I read an article in the UTNE Reader (the link is to UTNE, but the article isn’t available online at this time) about an American soldier who committed suicide after returning home from Iraq. I started crying on the bus and when that little swell of emotion died down it left behind, as if forged in a weird and sudden fire, a new articulated, hardened and crisp resolution: I want everything I do to be in the service of making us more human. There are so many forces that push us to be less human, more hard, bitter, consumptive, competitive, invulnerable, cleaned-up and presentable, proper, distant, polite, angry, violent, separate. I want everything that I do, every single action, whether it be a long-range goal or a sweep of a second, to be in service of softening, connecting, dissolving, touching and making it more difficult for us to ignore, damage, murder, reject and dehumanize each other.

It felt like a door suddenly opened and I have a new choice – to walk through it, re-dedicate all my efforts in that clear and resounding bell of a direction – or to keep fumbling. Walking through the door doesn’t mean a renouncing of exploration – I will always be exploring – but it does mean that the exploration has a compass unclouded. I felt this sudden clarity and in it the thought: “This could be one of those moments where everything changes.”

Everything in service of a humanizing impulse.

Impulses that I have that work against that:
•    Acquisitiveness
•    Desire for fame
•    Fear
•    Self-deprecation
•    Arrogance
•    Hunger to be liked by everyone

Everything in service of a humanizing impulse.

Need for affiliation February 3, 2009

Over the past days I’ve been pondering my ennui, plumbing for patterns that keep me entrenched in a day-to-day lethargy that is, frankly, boring me to death. I’m tired of the internet (no offense!), I’m tired of hedging my bets and keeping all the doors open, I’m tired of gathering information. I’m in a rut of making myself very informed and poised to take action when the right opportunity comes along.

Something I’m realizing is that I spend too much time in isolation. There are often people around, but not interacting in any meaningful way. At my job I have almost total autonomy over how I spend my time. Outside of my paid work, I’m writing a book — another isolated venture.

I don’t think it will solve all the issues I have with my day-to-day existence, but I think if I had more meaningful, sustained collaborative engagement I would be a lot happier.

So the question arises: how to create more collaboration? It is relatively easy at my workplace to set up one-off collaborative mini-projects, like a co-facilitated workshop or event, but that isn’t going to satisfy. I need to find a way to establish a long-term joint project. I would like to do some joint visioning and planning. I think if I can get my workplace to be a more collaborative experience for me, I will be more fueled to work alone on my book.

Other ideas I’m having for collaboration:

• volunteering one day a week in a collaborative environment relating to socially-engaged arts
• starting up some sort of monthly collaborative community gathering (salons; art-making/zine-making sessions; whatever)
• joining a theatre company (if anyone will have me) or a choir (but it has to be really special, because I’m not really a typical choir-music-type)

I was also thinking of starting some sort of theatre-based project at work — faculty development through forum theatre (it’s been done before!). I don’t know that I feel confident enough that I have the skills I need for that — but one thing I’m contemplating is exploring whether any profs in theatre at the university where I work have any interest in that area.